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Tuesday, August 15, 2017

RIP-OFF…maybe not

RIP-OFF…maybe not
 Last year I bought three solar accent lights for my backyard.  I have several small lights in the front.  The front ones are small and were pretty cheap, maybe $6 per light.  The ones I bought for the back were much bigger and brighter, and cost about $15 each.
Of the three lights in the back, only one worked.  Two did nothing from day one.  I was a bit pissed about this and was determined to take them back.  Of course, I kept putting it off as I hate returning stuff, and with being away several weeks in the summer it also slipped my mind.
Mrs. C had to ask a question which tested my intelligence. 
“Did you pull the tab?” 
These lights have a tab that blocks the battery from the contacts.
“Yes, of course I pulled the tabs, how do you think the one works?  That is the first thing I did.”
Anyway, today I was planning on taking the lights back to Lowes where I bought them, and was ready to do battle because I don’t have any receipts.  Before leaving though, I thought maybe the batteries were just no good, so I decided to first test them with batteries from lights that worked.
I took out several working batteries and changed out the batteries in the non-working lights.  It was then I noticed a little switch by the battery contacts that was set to OFF.  I’m guessing the switch should be set to ON in order to work.  Why anyone would want to switch off solar accent lights that only go on in the dark I’ll never understand.
My dilemma now is, do I tell Mrs. C that the batteries just needed changing, tell her I exchanged the lights at the store, or fess up that I’m an idiot?
I think I need to make a fake visit to Lowes tomorrow.  Don’t tell Mrs. C.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Gol Dang Corn-Shuckers

Gol Dang Corn-Shuckers
I run into these Corn-shuckers every summer and they really are the fingernails on my blackboard (GIY).  No, that is not a euphemism for a different type of despicable person, I am talking about actual Corn-shuckers…shuckers of corn.

OK, I guess I have to explain, and lest I offend a Corn-shucker who is not aware of this indiscretion, if you are a Corn-shucker, you are forgiven for now, but just stop it!
When I go to the supermarket for some fresh corn on the cob, there is a large table full of ears.  If you get to the table late, ¾ of the ears have been partially shucked by…that’s tight, CORN-SHUCKERS.
These are people who are so special they have to shuck each ear until they find the perfect ear of corn.  No shriveled kernels, no icky corn worms and whatever else, I don’t know. 
Well listen up Corn-shuckers:
The tops of most ears have shriveled kernels and most people break off the top inch anyway.
Those icky worms almost never exist anymore, probably thanks to GMO corn and they only are in the top that gets broken off.
When you put back that shucked imperfect ear, it dries out.  No one wants a dried out ear.
The moment corn is shucked the natural sugars that make corn so good start to convert to starch.  Early shucking makes dried out starchy crappy tasting corn!
As a result of all this corn shucking by these perfect-ear-seeking Corn-shuckers the only remaining un-shucked ears are the obviously smaller thinner less desirable ears.

I don’t want the dried-out ears that you Corn-shuckers shucked.  I don’t want ears that have been touched by your grubby Corn-shucking hands.  I  want my corn to taste sweet, not starchy.  
No one takes the shucked corn.  Everyone sees it and thinks,
“If this ear was not good enough for the Corn-shucker, then it is not good enough for me.” 
Those shucked ears go to waste and as a result the price of an ear of corn goes way up.
Please people, stop shucking the corn in the store.  Take a chance at an imperfect ear, live dangerously.  Buy an extra ear in case you get a bad one, these days very few bad ears make it to the market.
Help keep the price of corn down, be respectful of corn buyers to follow.
No one likes a Corn-shucker!


This cranky re-run is from August 2014

In a post last week, I was quite properly lambasted for waking Mrs. Cranky with a question. I fully understand the seriousness of this, particularly to my testosterone deficient audience.  I get that many women, particularly those with young children, have little opportunity to enjoy uninterrupted sleep.  In my defense, Mrs. Cranky has the unusual ability to go from sound sleep to awake and then back to sleep again in a matter of seconds.  She remembers waking so it is not sleep talking, she is just able to wake and or fall back to sleep at the flip of some internal switch.

To illustrate this phenomenon, the other night we were watching one of our favorite movies, “My Cousin Vinny.” This comedy is chock full of lines which Mrs. C has committed to memory, one of her many skills.  Half way through the movie she fell asleep.  She was snoring in that gentle quiet rhythmic way a woman in deep sleep will snore.

In one of our favorite moments in this movie (and there are many), Joe Pesci (Cousin Vinny) interrogates a witness in an attempt to show her eye sight is unreliable.  I won’t bore you with all the details of the scene, watch the movie you won’t be disappointed…


In this classic scene, Pesci in way of admonishing a judicial indiscretion addresses the court and the witness saying, 

“Mrs. Reilly; and only Mrs. Reilly…”

At this exact moment, Mrs. Cranky arises from deep slumber and mimics, 

“Mrs. Reilly and only Mrs. Reilly how many fingers I am holding up now?” 

She then went instantly back to her comfortable rhythmic snore, and yes in the morning she remembered mimicking the movie.

And so I offer no real excuse for occasionally waking my wife to ask an innocuous question, but it is not as serious an offense as many might believe.