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Monday, August 13, 2012

THE 2011 STANDARD HUSBAND - another cranky re-run

THE 2011 STANDARD HUSBAND



The divorce rate in this country is disturbing. In many cases the cause of break-ups is unrealistic expectations by the wife, and an inability to understand how to deal with a new husband. New wives-to-be should get a set of husband instructions before the wedding.


INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE 2011-SH (available en Espanol)

Congratulations on your new 2011 Standard Husband. The 2011 model referred to as the 2011-SH is designed to be durable and functional. Please read the instructions carefully before using. Please do not expect your 2011-SH to perform post-wedding as he did pre-wedding. Once broken in, the 2011-SH loses some attentiveness. If he sometimes flounders or acts in a peculiar manner this is not a defect, but it will require some maintenance on your part.


Your husband comes fully clothed and accessorized. This is the result of his previous developmental process, however, from this point on you will be required to provide acceptable garments. Your 2011 unit has not been designed to purchase appropriate outfits unless you chose the Mr. Bruce model (The 2011-MB) in which case you can shop, enjoy Broadway musicals, and watch reality TV shows together. The 2011-MB may come up short in other departments and is not recommended for those with an active libido.


Please provide at least one inappropriate outfit for your new husband. Save one pair of old worn out shoes, a dirty tee shirt, stained worn pants, and holey socks and undergarments. These will make your 2011-SH happy. Do not allow him to leave the house with any of this attire.


Your 2011 husband is self cleaning and grooming, but is not programmed to perform these tasks at regular intervals. It is highly recommended that you utilize the voice command feature to activate the cleaning and grooming applications. The voice command function may need to be repeated multiple times (The 2011-MB does not require grooming voice prompts.)


The 2011-SH is willing and capable of performing basic household functions such as picking up after himself, washing dishes, vacuuming (neat vacuum lines not included in the standard model), and even washing and folding clothes. He has not been programmed to recognize the need to perform these functions; the voice command is required.


Your 2011 model is programmed to recognize the need for outdoor chores. He will maintain the lawn, rake leaves and even tend to the vegetable garden without prompting (The MB model requires prompting to operate in this environment.)


Your 2011 husband is an expert (or believes he is) in all things tools. He will paint, build and fix stuff even without the voice prompt. The voice prompt may actually delay these activities. Please do not correct the 2011-SH during the paint, build and fix application, it may lead to foot stomping, tool throwing, and the language mode can be corrupted. If your 2011-SH makes multiple trips to the hardware store, this is typical behavior, do not try to change or adjust. (The 2011-MB will not paint, build or fix stuff….he will help decorate rooms and rearrange furniture.)


Your 2011-SH wants to make you happy, but is not sure how to accomplish this; some direction is required. Please be aware the voice command is very specific and the 2011-SH will not interpret voice inflections, facial expressions or body language. If you tell the 2011-SH you do not want anything for Valentine’s Day, he will recognize that as a command and he will obey. If you want the SH to act on his own in the present-buying and date remembering function you will not be satisfied. VOICE COMMANDS OR SUBTLE HINTS ARE REQUIRED.


Your 2011-SH is fully equipped for your satisfaction in the bedroom. Once again, voice commands or hands-on directions are recommended. (The voice command is ineffective on the 2011-MB.)


DOS and DON’TS


Do allow the 2011-SH to watch sports on TV 4-5 hours per week. Anything less will result in decreased bedroom activity.


Do give the 2011-SH possession of the TV remote. Your voice commands will still work to override his decisions.


DON’T try to change or adjust your 2011-SH. You had a trial period, he is what he is.


DON’T be overly critical. Your 2011-SH looks sturdy but he may crack.



FAQ’s:


Q - My 2011-SH never seems to know what I want, what can I do?


Ans – Did you even read the manual?


Q - How can I get my 2011-SH to be nice to my Mother?


Ans – Convince him she has lots of money and only six months to live.


Q- My 2011-SH frequently makes loud backside noises and emits a noxious odor. He does not seem to notice; should I be concerned.


Ans- This is normal for the 2011-SH; you could adjust the 2011-SH’s diet, but diet adjustment can have adverse performance effects (see correction during paint, build and fix mode.)


Your 2011-SH comes with a money back guarantee. In some cases if you are not satisfied you may get more than your money back plus a lifetime stipend for your trouble and inconvenience (standard pre-nup contracts may decrease or nullify any guarantees.)


Please feed and nurture your 2011-SH. Regular tune-ups are suggested.  Weekends or a week away with your 2011-SH should be administered at least twice a year. Any island is an acceptable tune-up venue.


If you follow these directions and recommendations you should expect a lifetime of satisfaction.


Enjoy your 2011-SH.

9 comments:

  1. OH man this was hilarious just what I needed this morning! My model does not do tools at all.......

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  2. Do you have the Standard Wife manual available? I lost mine.

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  3. Could they amend the SH users manual to define "subtle hint" as a photograph of what the superior spousal unit wants for anniversary/birthday/Christmas? "Subtle" sometimes short circuits.

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  4. I agree with Lowandslow, my SH model has a faulty gift purchasing function and I have to either provide it with a detailed list with prices and locations, or I have to buy the gift myself, wrap it and put it under the tree (I'm getting a new leather wallet for Christmas btw)

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  5. Subtle hints and even large notes on the fridge in big bold writing do not work in this household, as the 1993-SH model came complete with an exciting optional extra of "will surprise you with gifts on appropriate days (vocal reminders of date required) that the model is SURE you will love much more than what you specifically asked for".

    However, much research into the programming has shown a trigger to limit the expenditure of such gifts, allowing me to save up for what I really wanted, while gracefully receiving such gifts as a spider-friendly handheld vacuum, so I can totally recommend the 1993-SH model.

    Hilarious post. :-)

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  6. Very funny. I was thinking like Suldog.. there must be one for that model as well.

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  7. This post is as funny as it is brilliant. So much fun that I read it twice.

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  8. somehow, this all seems so appropriate! LOL... good one, joe!

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  9. thanks for the giggles and guffaws .. and congrats on a POTW!

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